James Bacarro

May 20, 2020

Do you struggle to find meaning in your life? Are you overworked and constantly broke? Do you wish you had better relationships with less conflict and more genuine love and intimacy?

What if I told you that you could solve all of your life’s problems and live a life full of abundance and freedom while surrounded by adoring friends and loved ones? What if I told you it was easy and you could even get started right now? Does that sound too good to be true?

Well, it’s not. In fact, it’s simple, and anybody can do it.

All you have to do is start a cult!

Yessir, you heard me right. You too can start your very own cult, TODAY, and begin reaping the benefits of the hundreds of mindlessly devoted followers who will lavish you with unconditional adoration, financial gifts, and gratuitous sexual favors.

No more money problems. No more stress or feeling overworked. No more loneliness. And you definitely won’t be lacking in the love-life department.

And the best part? It’s free!

No degree or certification required. You can start your very own cult today. It’s as easy as 1-2-3.

Don’t believe me? Here, I’ll start one right now and you can follow along at home!


All cults are based on some sort of faith in something being true, regardless of the evidence. So to begin, we must come up with a small set of beliefs that cannot be easily proven or disproven.

And considering how pretty much none of us ever know what the fuck is going on, this is surprisingly easy to do.

The obvious choices here involve deities and promises of the impending apocalypse and/or salvation, because seriously, nothing gives people a hard-on more than thinking the end of the world is coming and they’re one of the chosen few to survive it.1

But to be honest, you can start building a cult around just about anything. Economic philosophies, political causes, conspiracy theories, gender norms, sports teams, diet and nutritional fads, animal rights, space exploration, the prophylactic uses of algae, the immorality of masturbation, even which direction you should wipe your ass.

All that matters is that you are making a major life/death statement which cannot be easily proven or disproven.

For sake of example today, I’m going to start a religious cult (because let’s be honest, those are the most fun). Let’s say that there is a gigantic cosmic manatee who lives in a distant nebula. This manatee birthed earth a few million years ago and maintains contact with us every couple millennia to help prevent the human race from destroying itself.

I may not be able to prove that the world was created by a giant cosmic manatee. But then again, can you prove that it wasn’t?

I may not be able to prove that the world was created by a giant cosmic manatee. But then again, can you prove that it wasn’t?


Now, this is where it gets fun: The Great Manatee has recently chosen me as its latest prophet.

Can you believe it? Little ol’ me!

Yeah, I know you’re not surprised. But let’s just pretend you are.

Because not only am I The Great Manatee’s latest prophet, but The Great Manatee has shared some dire news with me. Yes, humanity is once again on the brink of collapse. Yet it is only through the Cleansing Grace of The Great Manatee that humanity can be saved and live as one.2

Not bad, huh? Good luck disproving that one, you fucking skeptics. OK, let’s move on…

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